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CROSSED LINES
A ‘Three Ronnies’ sketch written by Roy O’Donnell
SCENARIO - Three people are talking to others on the telephone but their lines get crossed and this is what the listener hears when he picks up the phone to make a call. The three people are -
SC - Solo Fleet Coach FI - Fitness Instructor CC - Celebrity Chef
The conversation goes like this -
SC My name is Ronnie Randall; I am the Solo Fleet Coach
FI My name is Ronnie Smith; I am a Fitness Instructor
CC My name is Ronnie Cartwright; I am a Celebrity Chef
SC I was appointed Fleet Coach at the AGM on account of my ability to
FI stand on one leg for long periods at a time …. balancing a pint mug on the head …..
whilst making wide circling movements with one hand .......
CC and dicing up a large cucumber with the other.
SC As Fleet Coach I work closely with the Fleet Captain. He was re-elected at the AGM because in previous years, members have much enjoyed his
CC Beef Stroganoff …… a superb dish beautifully garnished with a sprig of parsley, dusted with black pepper and all served
FI at a trot dressed in lycra shorts and running shoes.
SC Fleet Members have also been delighted over the years by the way the Fleet Captain has kept his
CC utensils spotlessly clean .......washing them carefully after each use before hanging them up to dry ......... and then bringing up a deep shine
FI by applying plenty of sun tan lotion
SC to his transom.
Now before getting out on the water, it is important to have well fitting clothing. If your wetsuit is too tight it will
CC crack your nuts ...... your pastry wont rise ........ and your dumplings will go soggy.
SC To alleviate the problem, I recommend you rub plenty of
FI CATCHPOLE’S CREAMY, CONCENTRATED, CHRYSTALISED, COAGULATED, COLOURED, COATING, COMPOUND
SC into your thwart. This will cause your outhaul to tighten up …. and your Cunningham to go full on …. giving you a much greater level of performance.
When approaching the Solo in the boat park, you should first
FI lie flat on your back and make large pedalling movements with your legs in the air ….. breathing deeply all the time to get plenty of oxygen into the lungs.
SC The next step is to remove the boat cover and take out all the
CC half eaten sandwiches, squashed tomatoes, breadcrumbs, lettuce leaves, soggy crisps, grated cheese, scotch eggs, sausages
SC and unwashed wetsuits. A good example of this is Melvyn Cooper’s boat.
At the end of the season, Melvyn takes everything home
CC puts it all into a large saucepan, adds 3 pints of chicken stock, throws in some
SC jamcleats, shackles, turning blocks, rubber bungs and 2 metres of elastic bungee;
CC bakes in a pre-heated oven for 40 minutes and then serves in a large tureen
SC to the rest of the Fleet. This is enough to give them all
FI the runs.
SC The best treatment for this is a generous measure of
FI RAWLINGS REPUTABLE, REVERBERATING, REINVIGORATING, RESURRECTING, RETROACTIVE, REMEDY.
SC Now for the sailing. It is important to get a good start. The recommended Randall technique is to
CC come slowly to the boil........simmer gently for 3 minutes ......... then at the last moment
FI thump the chest vigourously and make loud grunting noises
SC all the way to the windward mark. This will keep the others well clear.
At the mark, it is important to remember the basic rights of way. Many sailors mix up their port
CC with some Angostura Bitters ….. garnish with a piece of lemon and a cherry on a stick and offer it up to
SC all those on starboard calling loudly for ‘water’.
If despite these precautions, a collision occurs, you should
FI lean over and grab your opponent in a half Nelson …..get hold of his clothing, pull his legs from underneath him and throw him
SC into the following boat and let them sort it out between them.
One of the more difficult manoeuvres in the Solo is the gybe in a blow.
The technique I recommend is to
FI get down on all fours, put your head between your legs, close your eyes
CC open up and empty out the gut completely .........stuff with chopped onions, bay leaves, red and green peppers, and a hint of rosemary ….. sprinkle with salt, cover with tin foil and finally
SC give a sharp tug on the main sheet and you will be completely
CC in the pea soup.
SC If after lots of trying, you decide Solo sailing is not for you, then
FI put your head
CC in the gas oven …… turn the gas full on
SC and this will put an end to all your Solo sailing problems.
CC So its goodnight from me
FI Its goodnight from him
SC and its goodnight from them.
ALL GOODNIGHT
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